Wednesday, April 9, 2025

wow i havent talked to yall since last year ... haha.
i have been unmedicated for my anxiety for like a year now, and most of my life before that. i've started to realize that maybe not everyone thinks abt death as often as i do? idk im pretty sure its not normal to vividly imagine ur own death every time u get behind the wheel of a car lol. some of it maybe stems from the fact that im pretty sure if i died tmrw i would be buried under my dead name. last year i asked a good friend to do everything she could to make sure that doesnt happen, but we havent talked in a long time. just a really fucked up conversation to have to have at 24 years old.
a couple weeks ago i finished The Book of the New Sun by Gene Wolfe and i just started playing Death Stranding and i've found some solace in those stories. i'd like to write something more substantial on BotNS when i'm in a better state of mind, something about it was transformative for my psyche. specifically how it touches on memory, even more specifically memory of loved ones. the union between Severian and Thecla and the alzabo with little Severian were some things that really resonated with me.
totally coincidentally i had been meditating on the push and pull of human relationships and how pervasive that is across all existence. god it felt good to know i wasnt crazy when i booted up Death Stranding and they start talking about the "rope" and the "stick". im not very far into it yet but its commentary on death so far has been helping soothe my anxious mind.

been listening to a lot of metal lately. lots of The Body, Ragana, Sunrot, Kowloon Walled City. The Body's music complimented BotNS sooo well it was insane. kinda makes me wanna make FMVs or something lmaoooo.
i kinda quit music idk how to do that shit, maybe someday ill get back to it but i think i like just listening for now. idk if i got anything worth saying enough to write a song. im still collaging though, but ive been kinda slow with that too. my brain is leaking out my head onto the carpet and its rlly smelly :-(
anyway idk if i got much else to talk bout, gonna go back to staring out the window and slowly rocking back and forth until its an appropriate time to go to sleep and try not to think about dying too much. have a good one y'all

Wednesday, November 11, 2024

hmmmm feeling rlly scared and lonely lately ... missing a handful of ppl like hell lately ... kinda hating how i've become a hermit this past year lol. ig thats what being a trans woman and moving back to texas does to a person lol.
ummm. i miss my friends so so badly.
havent done my injection in like a month bc my phobia of needles came back, it always does when im feeling shitty like this :(
been scared of a lot of stuff lately. feel like ive made a lot of wrong choices in the past 2-3 years. my dad, who i have a rough relationship with, got really sick. infection spread to his brain. it was really hard to see him so weak. it was kinda scary. he kinda always scares me.
he looked like he was already half gone.
been listening to The Body. sorry i havent fixed my site, i've been kinda fucked up lol. feeling rlly alone and trying desperately to find a way out of texas. i hate it here and i'm starting to worry i might die here and be buried under a dead name. i kinda fucked things up with the friend i had asked to make sure that never happened.
yea angsty blog 2nite idc call me edgy. watching american dad and might play some CoD w/ my brother for the rest of the night, nitey nite

Friday, October 25, 2024

hewwooo :3 i have been so lazy and not productive lately! idk was just feelin' kinda shitty for a lil bit but we r so back
getting back into working on my site, kinda forgot like everything but *le sigh*, we cringe on. redoing the entire thing, i want it to look a lil more polished. still crunchy tho.
gotta have some crunch.

anyway it is like 1am rn and i can not sleep. my sleep schedule has been so awful lately and i can notttt get up for work in the mornings lately.
been getting caught up in dark souls 2 and morrowind until the early hours of morning.
who was gonna tell my zoomer ass morrowind is actually fucking epic??? i'm loving it.
been reading Gene Wolfe's Book of the New Sun series as well, just been really into some esoteric dark fantasy lately i guess!

also been fascinated by plundercore games and browsing itch.io ... idk something abt these interactive collages rlly resonates with my artistic spirit. the plunderludics group is doing some really interesting stuff!
check out Water Level/b.l.u.e. EXPLORATION by hatimb00, it is a beautiful creation!
(open in new tab, srry the iframe breaks links, thats why i'm reworking the site :P)

i have been working on collages as well! once i update and fix my home page, art page is up next!

edit: maybe a godzilla/mothra shrine up next too

Wednesday, August 7th, 2024

tried to work on the site today ... got distracted trying to get SCM player working but it kept just breaking my website :(
had guitar lessons today! felt like i learned a lot today ! i also went through some magazines and found some material for my next collage! will start on it right after dinner.
played more dark souls last night, beat the Capra Demon. kinda cheesed him but thats fine lol. loving the game tho!
been listening to a lot of Flooding lately! their set on Flew the Coop is so fucking good . have had that set on repeat lately.
short blog post today, not much to talk about! have a good day :)

Monday, August 5th, 2024

hi everypony
had a pretty uneventful day today, went to the library bookstore, got a couple magazines for collaging. meant to get around to working on something but i ended up just eating an edible and getting rlly stoned while watching Pacific Rim. very fun movie, hadn't seen it in years. i love Charlie Day he's so funny.
i recorded a demo! its kinda cool ambient vibes. sent it to my friend to work on it, hopefully we collab and make something cool :o
played dark souls and listened to Flooding until way too late last night ... those fucking dogs with the Capra Demon -_- think i might play some more after i'm done typing this up.

I wanted to go on a bike ride but it is way too hot in Texas!!! i wanna ride down to the park and go fishing !!!! been reading some Richard Brautigan lately, making me wanna go trout fishing :P
have work tmrw but i'll probably work on the site or some art after!

Saturday, August 3rd, 2024

hey guys! updated the site a little bit today, but i think i'm gonna take it easy for the rest of the night. havent been getting enough sleep lol ive been in the trenches learning to code into ungodly hours of the night.
was wayyy too tired at work 2day. got so sleep deprived i swear i could sense a shadow presence looming over me. i could feel it breathing.
it felt warm, like tv static

N-E-Waze, i added an art page and put some of my art up! go check it out! will be cleaning it up n making it look nice in the next few days!
Also added the links page. Not much there, but u can find my instagram and the link to my friend's music label she's starting! super cool experimental stuff! will probably release my first tape there, and might contribute some art to future projects!
that's all for today! i'm gonna spend the night snuggling with my cat, Goji, playing guitar, and watching movies. might work on a new collage tomorrow.
have a good night! Take care y'all :)

Friday, August 2nd, 2024

hi everyone ! welcome to my site! i worked very late into the night yesterday learning html for this... added this and 1 other page and a few graphics today! :o
i wanted to create a website for myself, somewhere to write my ramblings and post my art and make my own.
i've debated making an art account on instagram for a while, but it feels too much like selling out. i have no desire to commodify my art or "sell" it.
i want my art to be viewed in a more curated environment.
i am brainstorming and in the beginning stages of writing my own personal manifesto where i want to dive deeper into that, i'll probably give it it's own page. but starting this website was a very important step in practicing those values that i have come to adopt.
i started with a template but i've been messing around and learning how it all works and making it my own. with that being said, i think i ruined my code lol. i might just start from scratch this weekend, but this layout will do for now.
I give up for tonight haha

a small introduction/bio for myself,
i am a 23 y/o trans woman, currently living in Texas! it is way too hot around here! I play guitar, make collages, linocut printmaking, been really into DIYing shit lately!
i collect cds and dvds, i love music, video games and movies! i love emo/skramz, post-hardcore, grunge, noise, cybergrind, and japanese math rock.
been playing through the armored core series, and recently started dark souls for the first time!
recently finished all the godzilla movies, my faves are GMK, Minus One, and Against Mechagodzilla.

some of my favorite bands right now are Flooding, Wednesday, Midwife, Chouchou Merged Syrups and The Cabs!

(youll have to open links in separate tabs, sorry! idk how to get links off site to work right :P)